Sometimes, even when things seem to start picking up, life knocks you down.
And then it kicks you. Hard. Multiple times over and over and sometimes it feels like you’ll never get up again. Part of you will wonder if it’s even worth it to get up again.
The past month I feel like I’ve been laying down, letting myself get kicked over and over until my psyche was black and blue with invisible mental abuse. External factors came in to play, but it took a while for me to realize that recently I’ve been the one throwing those punches. When do you decide to fight back? How do you even find the motivation to do it?
I’ve felt disconnected for a while now. And I’m ready to re-connect. I NEED to re-connect. Floating so far away from the things you love doing really takes its toll. When was the last time I sat down and truly enjoyed a video game or a book or magazine? My motions have become automatic and forced. I haven’t enjoyed time as much as I normally do. I don’t jump out of bed excited for that first cup of coffee and breakfast like I used to.
But this isn’t a post for me to treat you like my therapist.
Over on a blog post by Lauren Gleisberg (laurengleisberg.com), I read something that really resonated with me. She discussed the difference between your emotional feelings and the feelings that come from your body as actual needs. While reading her post, I realized that I have been neglecting some pretty basic human and emotional needs. By kicking myself and keeping myself down, I haven’t been allowing myself to feel joy. Workouts were no longer fun, they were a chore. Makeup and hair care has been thrown to the wayside, and I’ve gotten by on bare minimum. Even spending time with coffee to pick out my outfit of the day had lost its luster. I haven’t been cooking, or cleaning. My diet has consisted of fast-food and pre-packaged junk for weeks. It looks like a Tasmanian devil had its way with my apartment. All this and more, simply because my emotions were telling me it didn’t matter. And I was listening to them! I was allowing myself to fall in to this pit and ignore everything else around me that brought me joy.
Starting today, I’m doing what needs to be done, even if my emotions tell me that I don’t feel like it. Lauren mentioned the importance of doing what benefits you in the long run, even though that “don’t feel like it” vibe kicks in. For me, this means taking better care of my skin and health, exercising regularly, and focusing on my studies every day. It means paying more attention to my animals, and getting outside in the sun a little more (very important as it begins to set earlier each day!). It means doing all of this, even if that nagging voice inside my head tells me no, don’t bother.
Starting today, the mental abuse is over. The bully is getting shoved in the locker, and I’m taking back over.